Today I feel like a fraud.
My blog was launched yesterday and today I find myself questioning my decision to launch it at all. Since February, these words that are now out in world.. public… were mine to read only. They were MY story. They helped ME come to terms with what was going on in my life, with hopes to help others find their way as well. But today..
I am not sure if I can help anyone at all.
This blog is all about finding your happiness in your twenties. This blog is all about finding who you are in light of the ever-judgemental society we live in, but today I find myself questioning who I AM.
My whole life I have defined myself based on the major life events that were happening at the time. I was a high school student. I was a competitive dancer. I was a university student. Now that all of these life events have finished I am forced to look inside myself and really ask … WHO AM I?? I scary thing is ..
I have no idea who I am.
How do I define myself when all of my identity has always been based on the major things that were happening in my life? Am I a BeachBody coach .. YES, but what does that mean? WHO am I coach to?? What people will I influence if I do not even know who I am? Am I blogger .. I guess so. That term is so new, it sounds funny even as I write it out. Am I cat lady … obviously. But, I am not one of those single, fifty-something cat ladies. I am 22, in a long-term relationship. I guess I could say I am biochemistry graduate from the University of Toronto.. something that even a year ago I would be proud to announce, but now it just seems like a burden. This statement just brings up questions. “What are you doing now?” “Are you using your degree?” When I say I am a health and fitness coach, and that no, in fact I am NOT using my degree the people who are not in my generation look at me with that look of pity that makes me question whether they are pitying me or my parents. The only two things I know for sure are that I am a girlfriend to an amazing guy and I am a furmama to two of the cutest kittens known to man.
But I want to be more than that.
I want to be an influential woman. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to stand up on stage and talk about my experiences to other women who are struggling, but I am not there yet and the road to get there seems to just keep getting longer and longer. The thought of the years ahead and discovering who I am leaves my heart racing and my chest hurting, it brings on an anxiety attack almost every time. But …
I have to keep moving.
I guess that is why I opened up my laptop today and decided to write another post. At first I thought that it was about helping me sort through my emotions, but really it was for you. It was to remind you to keep moving, no matter how tough life is, no matter how lost you feel just keep moving and you will come out the other side. It may not happen today or next week, but when you come out the other side and see the bright light at the end of the tunnel you will feel proud that you pushed through when you thought you had nothing left in you.