Calm

Yesterday I forgave my abuser.

I have been holding the resentment and hatred close to my heart for almost 6 years now, and I was finally able to let it go. No, I did not call him on the phone or have coffee with him, because I have no idea where he is at in life and I value myself and want to protect my energy, but I did write a letter to him through the Universe telling him that I forgive him.

Seven years ago I entered an abusive relationship that lasted over two years. I was cheated on countless times, and on top of that he made it seem like it was my fault for wanting him to stay monogamous to me. Not only did he make me feel this way, but his mother did as well. She made me feel like we were too young to not cheat on each other, and that no one would EVER love her son they way she could. She often made it seem like it was my fault for putting him in a bad mood after finding yet another dirty text on his phone from another girl. This entire experience made me feel worthless.

It made me feel like I was not good enough to be in a faithful relationship.

A year after starting to date him I was put on antidepressants, sleeping pills, and pills to help me focus. When we did break up (for the first time) I continued to seek out boys who didn’t know my worth, because [I] didn’t know my worth. In September of 2012, after cutting my wrists, I had a calm wash over me. I had never felt like that before, especially when I was in the anxiety-ridden state. I called my ex-boyfriend, told him it was over (for the final time), and before he could say anything I hung up the phone. I did not feel the desperation I would have previously felt waiting for him to call back. I walked out of the bathroom, and I felt clear.

I was ready to take my self-worth back.

Of course, I had no idea how much my self-worth had depleted over the course of the relationship. I actually did not even consider myself abused. He never laid a hand on me in anger. He never, god forbid, touched me sexually without my consent. So I never thought of myself as abused until I realized that you can be emotionally abused. That realization came to me months into dating Kirk. I was terrified whenever he went on his phone and I could not see who he was texting. I hated when he was alone with his mother because I thought she was telling him awful things about me. I could barely handle not hearing from him for 20 minutes, and I just could not understand why. I knew he was not like my abuser. His home life was stable, he treated his sisters with dignity the way my ex NEVER would have, and he always treated me like a princess (even after the 3 month mark). So why was I getting back the feelings I had when I was in my previous relationship? Then it dawned on me. I was a victim of abuse. This realization changed my life, and mine and Kirk’s relationship.

I was able to tell when Kirk was going to do something that would trigger me. I was also able to handle him going out with friends, not texting me for a couple of hours, and going out with his family in a much more civil manner. We worked through a bunch of things as a couple, especially when we went away to post-secondary school. We were two hours away from each other, and I was in a pretty demanding program so our time together was limited, but we made it work.

The first year of post-secondary was the last time I tried to kill myself.

I made an attempt on my life two years prior, right before the calm washed over me and I ended my abusive relationship for good. I have only ever attempted suicide twice, but in that moment your thoughts do not make sense and you have zero control over what you are going to do next.

For the second time, divine intervention stepped in and informed me it was not my time.

After the last attempt on my life, I really dove into self-help. I worked on mine and Kirk’s relationship in depth. We worked on everything that triggers me, and how we can build me back up. Going into the second year of university we rarely fought, and we could go a couple of days without so much as a “good night, I love you” text. When we finally moved in together in third year, our relationship was very different. There was trust, something that I had not yet experienced in a relationship, and it was beautiful.

Then it was time to work on me.

Most self-love experts preach that you must love yourself first before you can have a long-lasting intimate relationship filled with love and trust, but for me it was different. The Universe wanted me to heal mine and Kirk’s relationship first before I began to really dive deep into me. I truly believe it is because our paths are connected. We have crossed paths many times in our lives, and we have always been connected in some way. I know that there is no way I could have gone on this self-love journey without him. When others question my decisions, he is there to defend me. Even when my decisions scare the living crap out of him, he never wavers in wanting me to be happy. I know for a fact that I would be in a lot different of a place today if it was not for him.

The third time this sense of unwavering calm came over me was when I read about the opportunity to become an online health and fitness coach. The Universe knew I was ready to dive into me, and really start to become the influencer I was meant to be. The fourth time I felt this calm was when I decided to cancel my Pharmacy applications, and ever since then life has only been going up.

Yesterday I forgave my abuser.

I not only forgave him, but I thanked him and prayed for him. I thanked him because he led me down a path that I would have never thought possible. He allowed me to trust the Universe, even when I had no idea how it worked. I prayed for him, because even though he abused me, he had a hard life. His home life was never stable, and he had other issues that no one should have. I asked the Universe to take his pain away the way it took away mine. When I did that an overwhelming calm came over me, yet again. I now experience them almost daily, because I have surrendered and I allow the Universe to do its thing.

If you are struggling, I am so sorry. Just know that the Universe DOES have your back. Release your pain, and allow the Universe to do its thing.

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