Emotions are Hard

The one thing that I struggle with gravely are my emotions. I see myself as a deeply emotional person. When I look at Kirk I fill with this feeling of love that I never even knew existed. When I look at my brother I fill with so much pride, and when someone hurts him it hurts me deeply. When I hug, look at, or kiss my cats there is a happiness in me that makes even the darkest days seem sunny. When Kirk and I have in depth conversations about our future plans I am so happy that there are goosebumps on my arms. When I watch a movie about hurting animals I get sick to my stomach with sadness. When someone is ill, or being mistreated I feel it to the centre of my being.

I feel things so completely, but I have a hard time expressing them.

Many people see me as this blunt, analytical woman who has no problem telling you whats what. In some ways, that is very true. I am blunt, and I do tell people what I think is best for them, sometimes in ways that can make me seem emotionless. However, I do this from the deepest of my being. I truly believe that what I am telling them is something they need to hear, whether or not they take what I am saying to heart. I do not think people have an issue with what I tell them, I do, however, think they have an issue with how I tell them.

Over the years I have tried to change. I have tried to be less loud and obnoxious. Every time I would start a new job, go into a new class, or meet a new person I would think: “This time I will not act like myself, this time I will keep my opinions to myself, and not cause a scene” and every time that did not happen I would scold myself. I wanted so badly to act like the people around me, that I tried to not be who [I] am.

At the beginning of this year I vowed I would stop trying to not be me, and just BE. I no longer care when people tell me I am being loud, or when they call me obnoxious, because that is just who I am. I tell people whats what, and even if they do not know it, it is out of love.

The issue is, I am completely aware that people do not see me as emotionally invested. 

This causes a major issue when I message people wanting to change their lives. I want to help others become who I have become, a better version of [me], wanting them to become a better version of [them]. I am emotionally invested in their future, sincerely knowing that this opportunity can change their lives, but I struggle with the execution of the emotions that are involved. I know I come across cold, wanting the sale. This leads me back to my limiting belief that I cannot possibly build a team of people who barely know me, because to truly love me you HAVE to know me.

I am one of the nicest people you will ever meet, but I do not come off like that. People’s first impressions of me are of course, loud and obnoxious, but also intimidating and mean. I struggle to get my sincerest advice across without being seen as blunt. I am confident in who I am and what I know, and I KNOW that can be intimidating, but I never, ever want anyone to think of me like that.

The emotional side of me can see I how push people away. 

When I am talking to people I can physically see what I am doing. I know I am being blunt and to the point, looking like I do not care about their opinion, but I have trouble stopping it. This leads to me becoming certain that I will never grow a team, have a big group of friends, or even gain new clients. This then perpetuates how badly I feel about how I come across, leading to a downward spiral.

Most of my blog posts are because I have something to share with the world, something that I think people will become better from, but this blog post is not that. If you resonated, thank you. If not, sorry. I merely wanted to post this because I wanted to say I KNOW that I am blunt and intimidating, but at my core I am sincere and loving. I truly want to help inspire as many people as I can to become the best [they] can be, and I want to do that in a genuine manner. I am grateful for everyone who has helped me get this far, and to all the beautiful lives I have touched, because you have touched me too. I am not blunt because I do not care, quite the opposite, I am blunt because I DO care. I want you to grab onto the experience I am offering you and run with it, because it changed me life, and I know it can change yours too.

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