I vowed that I would begin to write in my blog 5x per week, but for the past two days I have been trying to think about something to write about and I have come up blank. Nothing wants to come out. No thought has turned into a cohesive post. At some point I would love to talk more in depth about being in an abusive relationship when I was in high school. I would also love to talk about how I was pretty much a recluse in high school and all throughout university. I would love to talk about how I always leave social situations thinking the people I talked to hate me. It would probably help a lot of people if I spoke about how I fight through social anxiety so that I do not get depressed and not want to leave the couch. Maybe it will also help people to talk about how Kirk and I are able to live with his parents without tearing each other a part, but to be honest, although I really want to write about every single one of those topics, I cannot. Not today. Probably not even tomorrow.
I have no idea how to put any of those thoughts on paper (or I guess on a blog). I do not know the words to string together that will help explain my abuse story, or why I kept going back to him, or why I let him be the reason I was up all night screaming. I also do not have the words to admit that even though I desperately wanted to be “popular” in high school, I could not find it in me to be with that crowd. I cannot explain why even to this day I think there is something fundamentally wrong with me because I do not drink every weekend, or when I do its with my family. How am I supposed to admit that the reason why I was not friends with people in high school and university is because I am highly competitive and it was hard for me to be around people I thought were ‘better’ than me. Why would people even want to hear about that? Would they not think how bad of a person I am for competing with everyone I am friends with? It is humiliating to write about the countless number of times I was invited to a social event and I got ready to go then had an anxiety attack on my couch and could not leave my house. I am a grown woman. I should be able to go to a bar without my boyfriend.
All these topics seem so appealing. They seem so deep, my advice may even help someone. That is ultimately why I started my blog, to help people, but not today. Not this month. It’s too much.
So today, instead of writing about any of these topics, I am going to write about the fact that I just finished my workout and I am contemplating taking a nap instead of working for the rest of the night. Maybe tomorrow will be better.