Gut Reaction

Yesterday afternoon my grandmother passed away at the age of 71 due to a sudden and major heart attack.  

This is the first time in my life that I have lost anyone who was this close to me. Although I knew it was inevitable I never thought it would happen so soon. She was, by all appearances, healthy. Actually.. she was probably the healthiest I have ever seen her in my life. She was happy, no longer having to work, and living in a small condo with my Grandad and their dog, Truffle. It was completely out of the blue, and it has left me feeling almost in a daze.

I received the message while I was driving to work yesterday. My mother called me crying and told me to pull over to the side of the road. I did as she said and then she preceded to tell me Grandma had passed away only minutes before. At first I was in shock. I sat in my car for what felt like forever with my mouth wide open not able to shed a tear. My mind was racing a mile a minute. The first thing that popped into my mind was that my mother must have been joking, but that soon disappeared because why would ANYONE, especially my mom, joke about losing a loved one.

So then I broke down. 

I immediately called my work and told them I could not come in, and then I called Kirk. I was hysterical by this point, but I convinced him I would be okay to drive home. The drive home, although less than 5 minutes, seemed like an hour.

We quickly got ready and headed over to my parents house. My mother was hysterical, and even my father had tears in his eyes. I have NEVER seen my father cry. I spent the evening with my mom, brother and Kirk, while my dad went to console his father.

Now I am just in shock. I have no idea how I am supposed to proceed. Am I supposed to go on with my life? Am I supposed to be with my family 24/7? Am I supposed to visit my grandad? To be honest, the thought of that scares me. I have no idea how he is going to act without my grandma, I have never even seen him cook a meal for himself before.

I am honestly at a loss. 

I woke up this morning and thought I was ready to dive into my work, but when I started I realized I really wasn’t. I COULD just lay on the couch, but what good would that do me? So I prayed. I asked the Universe for guidance and it came in a form of an affirmation:

‘I trust that my gut reaction is the TRUTH underneath the surface of my fears’

I am taking that to mean that I just have to take this day one step at a time. I just have to continue to check in with myself, and not push myself too hard.

Have you ever grieved a close loved one before? How did you do it?

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