Recently I have been looking at a lot of pictures from when I was in high school.
The first thing that comes into my head when I think back to who I was then, is confident. I may have been confident to the point where it bordered on ignorance.. but I was confident nonetheless. I strolled through those hallways with my head held high. I was never a ‘popular’ girl, preferring to do homework on a Friday night rather than going to a party. I also did not have a lot of friends. By the time I was in grade 12 the only people I was with on a regular basis were Kirk and my dance friends, but none of those things deterred me from feeling confident in my choices and in my body.
Then I went away to university and everything seemed to change.
I went to the University of Toronto, which is probably one of THE most competitive schools in all of Canada. I knew people who actually tried to tear others down so that they could succeed. Needless to say, within the first month of being there I had already had my first mental breakdown, thinking I was not good enough. By the time Christmas season had rolled around and I had gained at least 10lbs, I started taking that stress out on my body. I would look in the mirror and hate everything I saw. I would pull at my back fat. I would never look at my body naked, and don’t even get me started on the things I thought about my stomach. By the time I was in second year I was full of self-hatred. Everything from my grades to my body to the dance club I was trying to run.
Eventually I began coaching.
Coaching literally changed everything for me. It changed my body, I lost those pounds and inches. It changed my mindset, I no longer competed with my classmates because I had finally found MY purpose. But the one thing it could not change was how I felt about myself in the past. I still had those memories of self-hatred. I still had that mindset that my body was not good enough unless I looked like x, y or z.
Through coaching I have created a life that I always dreamed of having, but I still had that ‘fat and competitive’ girl nature within me. It wasn’t until I started looking at photos from when I was in high school did I realize how stupid these thoughts are. My stomach was actually bigger in high school than it is now, but I strutted my stuff in those crop tops. I had zero idea what my future was going to hold for me, but I believed that everything would turn out perfectly. I was HAPPY because I believed in myself and I loved what I looked like, despite outside influences. So why am I less confident now when I have WAY more things together than at 16?
Because I let that hurt university student live within me.
I let 19 year old Morgan, with her insecurities about her grades, stomach, hair and future live within a pocket of my brain. I let her take up shop in the back of my brain where she could come out and say things whenever she darn well felt like it. Well not anymore! I know what it is like to look in the mirror and not pick apart every thing. I know what it is like to be confident in your decisions and believe everything will work out. And that mindset is amazing!
Recently I have been working on getting rid of that university student. I have been tapping on my judgement, writing out the lies that she has been telling me all these years, and cutting her out of my life through meditation. Today’s card pull was so perfect.
“Releasing anger from the past sets me free in the present”
Releasing that judgemental, hurt Morgan is my next step to finally becoming the woman I am meant to be.
If YOU are struggling with something similar to this I highly recommend purchasing Gabrielle Bernstein’s book Judgment Detox. It has changed my life for the second time! In it Bernstein gives you journalling techniques, EFT mantras, and guided meditations to heal your judgements. If you want to start healing your past wounds and living a life you always wanted this book is a MUST read.