You don’t need to know what you want to be

I never, ever thought I was going to be the twenty-something who had no idea what she wanted to do with her life.

I have always had a plan. At one point I even had a plan with the exact years I would have my children (okay I still kinda do). But that was when I thought I wanted to be in school forever. That was when I was living for other people’s dreams and not my own.

I consider myself a very independent person. I have always done my own thing, but I have also always wanted other people’s approval. I may not have shown it.. but other people telling me I was doing a good job or going the right direction in my life was a huge accomplishment for me.

It wasn’t until I became severely depressed last year that I realized I was living for other people.

I was in my last year of university studying biochemistry and I was absolutely miserable. I had been miserable for at least a year but I had been hiding it from myself and from others. I hung out with highly motivated individuals who wanted nothing more than to have a Dr. in front of their name, and I pretended that that was what I wanted as well. It wasn’t until I started my journey of personal growth that I realized I hated every single thing about the life I was going to lead.

I didn’t want my career to be my whole life.. all I really wanted was to be a mother and be able to help with the finances. So I cancelled my application to pharmacy school and decided to become a coach full-time.

Since then I have gone through some major revelations.

Canceling my application was one of the best things I have ever done, but it also allowed me to think about what [I] actually wanted out of my life. Before I decided not to go to pharmacy school I was merely living a life that other people wanted for me. But once I canceled my application I realized that I needed to figure out what I actually wanted out of my life. At first it was just coaching. Then I realized, once I had done it full-time for a couple of months, that it did not completely fulfill me they way I thought it would. I hated the idea of being a coach. I felt trapped in the company I had partnered with and I wanted to make it my own. So I decided to look into becoming a certified coach. I actually wrote about it a couple of times in my blog. But … Every time I went to apply for another school or another program I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that reminded me I never actually want to be a certified coach.

During this process.. I became a tutor, and I absolutely fell in love with teaching. I love tutoring my students. I love seeing their faces when their marks go up and I love knowing that they understand a concept once I leave. I realized that I am amazing at tutoring and I love it. I actually never want to stop. But then that got me questioning whether I want to be a teacher. For those of you who don’t know … becoming a teacher in Canada is really hard right now. There are barely any jobs and when you do get one it is temporary. I don’t want to go through that right now. Maybe in the future once it is not so stressful, but not right now.

I love being an influencer. I actually completely stopped calling myself a coach, because I truly do not believe that I am. I do help people stay accountable, but that’s not really my passion. My passion is sharing my story and inspiring others to change their lives. I now say I partnered with the health and fitness company I work with because I hate the idea that I am tied to them. I am so much more and I can offer so much more than what I can do within the grounds of the company.

That made me realize I don’t want to be at the top of the company, or have coaching be my only job.

This took me a long time. Over the course of 2018 I realized I did not want to do anything in the sciences. I loved tutoring and I loved being an influencer, but not a coach. That still did not give me a whole lot of information to go off of when it comes to committing to something for my entire life. Then I realized …. I don’t have to commit to something for my entire life. I just have to do what makes me feel good in the present and go from there. I know my passions are going to change over the course of my lifetime and that’s okay!

But ….

I feel guilty. I feel like I should commit to something so that I can help more stably with the finances. I feel bad that I am on a path to self discovery when my boyfriend is stuck in a job that he only kinda likes. I needed this, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like I need to make a decision quicker because so that maybe he can have a turn.

To be honest .. I’m not really sure where I was going with this post. Basically I wanted to say that I never thought I would be at a place where I have no idea what I want to do, but here I am, and if you are here too that’s okay!! It’s okay not to be sure who you are or where you want to be in a couple of years. I know SO many personal development texts say you need to have a plan, and that’s fine. I do still have a plan.. but I am now open for it to change and you should be too. Life isn’t a straight line, it is a bunch of hills and valleys.. but ultimately you just need to be the happiest you can be every single day and THAT is how you know you are doing okay.

For the twenty-something out there who is also struggling. Don’t worry, you will figure it out. Xoxo

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