Fear of the Future

I have no idea what I want to do with my life .. there you go.. I said it .

If you are like me, saying something like that is terrifying. Saying it (or writing it out) means that you don’t have a plan, and I don’t know about you.. but that makes me want to poop my pants. I am not a grab life by the waist kinda girl. I don’t like surprises (except maybe presents), and I certainly DO NOT go with the flow.

Being average and leading the average life, even if I didn’t like it, was easy for me because it had a clear linear pathway. I go to school, get good grades, get a higher education, get a job, get married, become a mom, retire and then move somewhere hot (I may have added the move somewhere hot to the “average” life lol).

When I first realized that I didn’t want that. That I actually wanted to be able to stay home with my children while still contributing to the finances and making an impact I was excited. I was so pumped to go down this road. But a year later I am terrified. I thought it would be easier and I thought I wouldn’t doubt myself as much. There is not one day that does not go by that I don’t think about or research going back to school, not because I want to, but because I think I should. There is not one day that I don’t think about getting a “regular” 9-5 job and just making my business a side hustle.

I don’t want to do either of those things, it is just my fear talking.

It would be so easy to give up right now. At a time where I am not where I want to be in my business. It would be so easy to apply to that Masters in Education just so that I can continue to become a teacher. Don’t get me wrong .. I am so flipping good at tutoring and I know I would make an amazing teacher, but I also know I would regret the decision. I would be going into even more debt just to ease my mind.

Writing all of this out makes me realize something.. I do know what I want to do with my life, I am just terrified of it. Like I just said, I thought it would be easier than it really is. I am not the type of person who has gotten everything easy, I have had to work hard for each and everything I have ever gotten.. but I have also gotten almost instant gratification from my hard work, and in the world of MLMs that is just not the way it works. You put in the work, but then you reap the benefits sometimes years afterwards. That is what is hard for me. Not the work, the pay off.

I do know what I want to do. I want to be a coach, and an author during the day and then run my own tutoring company out of house at night #dreamcometrue .. but I am scared. I am scared of how long it will take. The end is ambiguous and that is terrifying, even though the end will be so rewarding. Going to school and getting a degree has a time limit. It tells you when you will get each and every piece of the puzzle, but the life that I have chosen.. the life that I LOVE is not linear and, like I said before, it makes me want to poop my pants.

I wanted to write about how I am afraid because I don’t know what I want to do, but it turned into something so much more. I am here to remind you that even if the end is not in sight, keep going.. it will all be worth it in the end (at least that is what I am telling myself)

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