Dismay, Depression and Dreams

Holy smokes I haven’t been in here in a while.

To be honest, every day I wake up with the intention to write a post, but then every day I make an excuse as to why I can’t. I have been struggling HARD with time management… something I have never really struggled with before. This struggle has made me question my dreams, and even to go as far as to tell my team that I am not longer fully committing to the influencing business I have worked so hard to grow.

Yesterday was not a very good day. I felt terrible from the moment I woke up. I didn’t sleep very well the night before, and the change in seasons has my depression soaring. I decided to take the day to do some personal development. I read two chapters of my personal growth book Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis. I also got out my journal and began to write about my feelings towards my influencing business.

Immediately my fears started to flow out onto the page. Fears that I am not a good coach because of the things I did not like/did like to do in my business. I reached out to my team and even my own coach to voice those fears disguised as solutions. I thought that because I was feeling that way, because I was not loving every single aspect of my business I didn’t want to work it anymore.

As soon as I voiced them I felt a terrible pit in my stomach.

I all but said I was quitting. I was pushing back the amount of time I was spending on my business because I wanted to grow my tutoring company, or at least begin to. But after I said that I did not feel any relief. Most of the time, when I have voiced thoughts in my head before, I come out of the situation feeling validated and like I made the right decision. But not this time. I walked around all day with a pit as big as an apple in my stomach. The “truth” that I said out loud was just a series of bull shit fears I had been telling myself.

Like I said, I have been struggling with time management. I no longer just teach at night, I have adult students during the day, in addition to having even longer night hours. This has made me feel rushed. I am feeling like I have no time to run my influencing business, so the perfectionist in me basically said, ‘why bother?’ Why bother doing something if you can’t do it as well as you were doing before. Here’s why…

BECAUSE IT IS A DREAM.

Do I have a dream to build an at-home tutoring company? Absolutely. But do I also have a dream of being an influencer during the day? Hell yes.

I can’t just completely put one dream on hold because the other one is taking up some more of my time. I also cannot let the depression win. I cannot allow myself to lie on the couch because I am “tired” when in reality it is only the inner demon of depression. I cannot allow myself to use valued time to sit around simply because I have a crazy schedule. NEWS FLASH. I made that schedule. I would never, ever question showing up for my students and for my team, so why do I continue to push back from showing up for my future clients?

Today, on a Wednesday, I decide to start showing up again, even if it’s not as much as I could before, I am still putting in the effort. Even if other people have nicer blogs than me it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t show up on mine, in fact that’s the reason TO show up. Even if I can’t get everything on my to-do list done, I will show up and do the things that move my business forward. Even if I have to start saying no to some online Zoom calls with my best friends and my team, I will be getting in all the necessary work to move my business forward. This dream is just as valid as any other dream, and I cannot let my dreams consume me.

Here I am.. telling YOU that I have fears, that I am terrified about how I am going to fit everything into my schedule when I have been slacking for so long. I am also telling you I am going to do my very best to block them out. I am going to put on my big girl panties and get the tasks done even though I have no idea how yet.

Are you letting your fears control you?

Follow me @missbissfitniss to get the latest updates on my business, life hacks and so much more.

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